“I tell ya, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know. My wife, she put me on a grapefruit diet. Seven days, I had 10 grapefruits a day. Ended up I lost 4 pounds, got a citrus rash.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, with my wife there’s always something. Like the other night, she said to me, ‘When’s the last time you thought about taking me out to dinner?’ I told her, ‘It was right after the last meal you cooked at home.’” | Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife’s father, he moved in with us. Has an electronic pacemaker. Every time he sneezes, the garage door opens.” | Rodney Dangerfield